Staff Handbook

Company policy, effective from December 2006.

I found this very amusing.

-

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the companys mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because thats all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

from the Managment

Read the legend

We are all earnestly praying and hoping that the war will end in Iraq, (and in Sudan) and since president Bush is ...''(I'm) open to any idea or suggestion that will help (us) achieve (our) goals of defeating the terrorists and ensuring that Iraq's democratic government succeeds'', we pray that the almighty Lord guides 'them' (America, the UN and other world powers) to make (and take) the right decisions as He did Solomon.
Samson (of the Delilah fame) killed more people at his death than in life, I hope Saddam's death sentence wont play out like that also.

I doubt if anybody is asking for my opinion on the death penalty, however, I think it is common sense to realise that this blood shedding is ENOUGH.

for the faint eyed, the above legend reads:

• Red: In favour of the war in Iraq
• White: Against the war in Iraq
• Blue: Not knowing where is Iraq

Find more interesting FLAGS here ''Can You Picture this?''

Phallic Glory II

I opened my window yesterday at work and for the first time noticed I had a full view of the towering innuendo; the erotic gherkin.

The "erotic gherkin" is the Swiss Re Tower that is located at 30 St. Mary Axe Street in London's financial district. The moniker, which was given to the building while it was still being built, is derived from its curvaceous shape. The building is also known as "The Towering Innuendo" because of its suggestive shape.

The "erotic gherkin" was designed by Norman Foster, one of Britain's leading architects. In October 2004, the circular, glass-paneled building, which has become one of the most recognizable shapes on the London skyline, won the Stirling Prize of the Royal Institute of British Architects (RIBA), one of Britain's top architecture prizes.

Please find some pictures here.

Random Emails

At Work. 17.22pm.

I’m 4 days old on this job and so far I’ve had no cause to complain. This is a smaller organization but responsibilities here are similar to my old job. I would like to stay here for the next 2 years and in that space of time shoot up the ladder. I found out that it’s easier to move up in smaller or medium sized charities than in big ones, I think salaries tend to be higher too.

I’m getting on top of issues here and I am happy that I hit the ground running. Even without a proper induction, I’ve started my work in full swing already; I now know about 10 staff members by name now and would have done better if we are all on the same floor. Work here isn’t as tedious as my old job and that’s the main attraction for me, I need to devote some time and resources to myself and my baby (my wife).

There was a surprise office party today for a colleague who recently got married (in Cuba), about the same time as me. Because I joined this organization 3 days after my wedding, no one knows about my recent wedding, I mentioned it to the Director as we were chatting and he publicly announced it to other staff amongst cheers and toasts.

Everybody is asking for the photographs, especially my old colleagues, they want to see a Nigerian wedding in pictures. It’s a pity that I still don’t have the photographs as they weren’t ready before I left Naija.

I thought it’s be fun to post a few of my work emails here:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

E-mail introducing me to staff members on my first day in my new job.

From: XXX XXX
Sent: 18 October 2006 10:56
To: All at XXX
Subject: New DRFO

Dear All,

Yinka XXXXX has joined XXX as XXXXX. He was with XXX in a similar role.

He will be meeting those of you in the office later this morning followed up with 1 to 1 meetings with some, particularly project coordinators.

XXX who has been covering for Yinka, is on a one week break. She will be back in the office on 23 October to work with Yinka for one week.

Regards,

XXX

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Email from my ‘replacement’ in my old job who wants to meet with me to clarify handover issues

From: XXX XXX
Sent: 18 October 2006 13:54
To: Yinka XXX
Subject: RE: back

Hello Yinka my friend

Welcome back, you are badly missed MAN. Good to know that things went fine with you. Sure you will take some time to settle in new job but you are experienced therefore it won’t be a problem.

On my side things are going fine except North Sudan. Looks like some files are missing in field accounts folders for Jun, July and August. I will appreciate if we can have a look into it. XXX was unable to reconcile just because of small error but she did well. We just reconciled it today and I sent it back to her, Now she will start on BVAs as we have some reports due this month.

I will finish Ramadan this week and then we can meet. You got married and you got good job therefore treat is due from your side. All the best and try to spare some time so that we can discuss North Sudan and other countries much more properly as I know a bit now.

Take care

Regards,

XXX

Tel: XXX

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ex-colleagues from my old job

From: XXX XXX
Sent: 18 October 2006 15:13
To: Yinka XXX
Subject: RE: here

YINKA!!!!! Hey! How are you?! It’s great to hear from you – I hope that you had a FANTASTIC wedding! And definitely send us some photos soon.

How’s the new job going so far? What are the people like? I suppose it’s a bit difficult to tell on your first day…

All is well here – probably because I’m leaving next Friday! You and your lovely wife are more than welcome to join me for my leaving do if you’d like – we’re going to the Fountain, just behind the office. I have been given the Roving FAM position, so I’ll be out to the field at the beginning of December. Before that, I’m moving house, going to Vancouver for 3 weeks and coming back to do a handover to the new Financial Controller (yes, they finally recruited one, but he starts after I leave!).

Take care of yourself, and don’t work too hard…

XXX

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From a friend, an HR guru

From: XXX
Sent: 23 October 2006 08:41
To: Yinka XXX
Subject: RE: XXX

habba Yinka!, I didn't even know you were travelling. I remember you mentioned about your wedding sometime ago.

anyway, how's your wife doing? have you started your new job and how's that going as well?

With regards to job for your wife, I can say without a doubt in my mind that you already know the ropes. However, I can chip in this or that suggestions when needed.

See you guys one of these days and have a lovely week.

XXX

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Its 18.00pm now and I’d better go home. I hope I find my bus pass in the rubble in my bag